Mental Garbage Dump

A heavy weight bears down on my chest. It’s almost as if I can’t breathe. I can feel everything coming back to haunt me, all of the successes and failures that I have experienced. It feels like the end of the line. It feels like every time I find that end point of failure, I find a way to move on… but, when such resentment is constantly shoved in my face, it’s hard to feel that things can get better with time. When the moments of love have been drown out by the thing I tried to communicate about, what I tried to verify before stepping forward. It’s so hard to trust when you constantly ask clarifying questions to only get responses that are meant to appease you in an emotionally vulnerable moment, then later come to find out so much anger and resentment have been held against you. No matter what you try to do to move forward and fix things, the passion feels dead. You no longer get those in-between moments of love. Suddenly, it’s all a void. A weight.

My boulder has rolled up upon my chest, and it’s crushing me.

I keep trying to look for ways to clear my mind, ways to try different forms of communication. It still feels like a one way street where I may have cornered myself to be the outsider. I feel like there is no way out, and every attempt I’ve made has been in vain. The absolute pit of nothingness I feel constitutes where my love was. I feel heartbroken. I just want to get to the phase where I’m numb to all this, that I can stop caring and move past these grievances. Perhaps, I never gave myself a proper chance. I have those ideas, floating around… but it’s never got to the point where a real resolution has taken place.

Why is this entire burden on me? Why is it only up to me to speak and try to mend everything? Communication isn’t a one way street, and I’m tired of making the whole trip alone. I try. I continue to put myself out there, let myself get hurt again and again. I hate being able to see multiple perspectives and never be understood myself. I’m tired of feeling like my emotions are only a disability and I have to be perfect in all the ways I cannot be. I feel trapped in a way where the only way out is clawing out of my own skin, to somehow disable who I am to survive.

I wanted to bounce back with positivity. I wanted to show that things do get better. With the entire weight of this on me, I cannot do it. I can no longer perform. Emotionally, I think I’ve done everything I can. So here I am, talking into a void to clear my head and hopefully find a voice of reason to get me through this. The things I thought I still had are no longer present. I feel alone in such a way I haven’t in years.

And it will still just be told to me it’s all my fault.

I don’t know if I have the strength to roll this boulder back up the hill. I don’t know how to get past this level of emptiness and sadness that I feel. I tried to make it work. I tried to move on. Yet, I am here, fallen. I’m not even sure if I can process all of this rationally. My words have failed me and I feel like I’m choking. Either I’ll come back with something positive to say, or I will dissipate into a deadly silence.

I don’t know where I am headed, but I am at the end.

~ by Vetus Animus on September 6, 2020.